I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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