I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
