first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Randomize
