if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
I will die if light touches me.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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