You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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