Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Randomize
