Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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