I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
