I have demons in me.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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