I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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