Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
