i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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