help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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