i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
