woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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