is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize