I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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