i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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