At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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