And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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