Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Randomize
