Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Randomize
