My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
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