You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
