lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I just gift wrapped bread.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
