I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
