According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
