so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
