Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
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