eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
