Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
