he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
