I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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