My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
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