You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
