the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
