i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
