the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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