she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
