Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
