Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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