I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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