Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Randomize
