so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
