This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
