So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
