if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
