Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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