Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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