I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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