Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
