GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
