Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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