some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
