Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
