Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
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