it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Randomize
