good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
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