he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
