Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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