3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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