Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Randomize
