It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
