I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
whose parrot is this?
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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