If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Randomize
